When Mr. Dragon comes a calling I don’t deal very well.
I don’t sleep. I’m awake half the night fretting about things I can’t control or panicking about what I have to do in the morning. This especially true if I have to meet people I don’t know very well or go somewhere new. Or even see people I haven’t seen in a while, no matter how well I know them.
I go to bed but can’t sleep. I can’t concentrate on anything once I’m in bed. I just can’t bare to be up or anywhere else. Bed is safe.
I don’t eat. I skip meals. Make excuses. Who needs food, my tummy is full of dragon so there’s no room for food.
I over eat. Typical right? I try to squash him with food, usually chocolate, Dragon loves chocolate. It makes him tell me, all too often that I’m fat, ugly, worthless. The more he goes on, the more I eat. It’s never anything healthy either, it’s always chocolate.
I struggle to concentrate, reading knitting, colouring etc become a job and I can’t be bothered.
I want to be left alone.
I can’t bare to be left alone.
I pick fights. I argue. I bicker. I become argumentative, the sky isn’t blue be quiet. I’m a real pain in the ass.
I fiddle with everything, my hair, my necklace, the zip on my jacket. I can’t stay still. But can’t go and do anything either. I just sit and play anxiously with anything near me
I bake. I bake chocolate stuff, a lot of brownies have been baked in my oven. A lot more have been eaten and demolished.
I refuse to cook or come up with excuses as to why we have to have take away. Dragon isn’t very healthy at all. He likes all the things I do and is conviced he should have them all the time no matter how bad they are for me. You see he doesn’t care that they’re bad for me, he cares that they taste nice for those few minutes I’m eating them I’m enjoying them. Until the Dragon brings home the guilt….I can’t believe you ate that. What a disgusting pig.
What do I do to keep him quiet?
I pull out my colouring books. I’m like a big child but I know the dragon doesn’t like it when I’m busy and concentrating on something else.
I knit. Again I like to keep busy so dragon can’t be heard. I can’t hear him telling me I’m a useless mum and small man deserves better.
I talk to Gavin. Gav can scare away dragons, it’s one of his many super talents. He can slay a dragon with a hug and kiss.
I ring my family and just chat about anything. I don’t need to tell them how I feel, they’ll just talk and keep me company.
I talk to friends.
I come here and write. I don’t always finish them or share them all but I write.
I listen to happy music, Queen, The Beatles, cheesey music I should be embarrassed by but really love.
I read books I know the endings to. It’s a comfort knowing how they turn out and finding things I missed previously. Or finding bits I’d forgotten about.
I rewatch a TV series, something again I know inside out and enjoy. I’m a huge Gossip Girl fan, How I met your Mother, Dr Who, Charmed, West Wing, Lost, Greys Anatomy. Anything I know really well.
Dragons aren’t welcome in my house. They’re uninvited. Unwanted. But I’m learning to handle the one that does find his way in.
**Edited: at the time of writing and publishing the Dragon was well installed and seemed to be trying to stick around for tea. Thankfully a friend noticed and helped me evict Dragon and he didn’t get so much as a scone from me. Thanks!
***Note, this was previously posted on my old blog and has been edited and changed slighted to republish here over 12 months later. I’m handling things much better but the Dragon is still around and I have a feeling he won’t be evicted very easily!